My Story...

Since this is my first 'Recovery' post I thought it best to start at the beginning & explain a bit about my journey so far.

I've always struggled with my appearance, especially my figure. Growing up I was always the tall & slim one. I did activities every night of the week; like gymnastics, horse riding, dancing, net ball etc so I was always so fit & healthy. I ate what I wanted, but I never had a 'bad' diet though. My mum would make healthy meals for us but if I wanted a chocolate bar or packet of crisps then I would have one without a second thought. My mums friends would comment all the time on how beautiful my figure was, how athletic & fit I was.

But when I was in year 8 at school I obviously hit the dreaded puberty stage. I got the standard spots & greasy hair, but I also got the curves. Going from someone who was always slim & athletic to being very curvy with hips, big thighs, bum & boobs was so surreal & uncomfortable for me. I hated it. No matter how many times people said I had the perfect curvy figure I just couldn't see it & I was desperately unhappy with how I looked. When you're a teenager with all the pressure of these perfect celebrity figures forced down our throats at every opportunity, boys comments & other girls/friends going on 'diets'; you become so much more aware of your figure & appearance but not in a good way.

I did all the typical 'teenage diets' of telling everyone you're on a diet of salad but it only lasting a day or 2 before you caved. Nothing ever serious. So even though I was unhappy with my figure I was to lazy to do anything about it; but because I was still doing activities most nights I burnt through the junk food I ate so calories were never really a problem for me at that point.

However when I quit gymnastics & started going out with my friends more then I stopped all forms of exercise/activities so my junk food caught up with me as I was no longer burning it off. I never gained a lot of weight but I had a lots of fat. By this I do not mean I was fat, full stop. I mean my muscle to fat ratio was very off. I lost all my muscle & it got replaced by fat. So even though I looked around the same size in clothes, without I had lots of cellulite & I wobbled. It wasn't nice & I remember many nights crying about my figure. But I never knew how to go about changing it, I lacked the motivation. I would wear leggings & clothes that covered everything up in the summer because I was to self conscious to wear shorts/skirts etc. I hated it, I'd look at other girls in actual summer clothes & think I wish I was confident like them to be able to wear what I want & look good.

So after Christmas in 2012 I decided I was going to actually make a change. I had a boyfriend at the time who was at the gym almost every night so I would go up there to see him. I thought while I'm up there waiting for him to finish then I might as well go in the gym & do a work out to kill the time. I also started eating healthier, cutting out junk & generally making healthier food choices. I was doing it the correct healthy way, but when I started seeing results it got addictive. I became obsessed with seeing the weight drop off & would look for the fastest way to get those results. So I slowly cut down on everything I was eating until it was as low as 500 or less calories at the end & did endless cardio for hours. I got thinner & thinner but because in my head I was still 'eating', just very healthy food (basically only lettuce & broccoli) & exercising I thought what I was doing was still classed as 'healthy'. I couldn't see my OCD with weighing food, doing exactly 1hr 20minutes cardio every day & only eating salad foods was very unhealthy.

When people commented on my size or expressed concern I got angry because in my head I couldn't see a problem & I would become even more obsessed. I wouldn't eat anything I hadn't weighed or had calorie counted exactly, I couldn't think straight until I'd done my 1hr 20 minutes exactly of cardio. It was stealing my life away. I'd avoid all situations that might evolve food, like family meals/days out etc. I basically shut myself in my room & only left to go to the gym on a morning then come back & sleep as I had no energy to do anything else. I was killing myself but I had become so obsessed I didn't know how to get myself out of the endless loop.
I had made 'heathy' into 'unhealthy'

Then one saturday I was out at the cinema with my boyfriend & we took a random selfie while we were waiting for the film to start; being silly. But when I looked at it I was literally floored at how sick & like dead I looked. I was the spitting image of an old woman, with no colour or life in her face. My eyes were just black & lifeless. I just wanted to cry there & then but that started me off thinking; yeah I need to make some change here. Then that night I just hit rock bottom. I had never felt so dead in my life; I literally just wanted to die as I had never felt so helpless, depressed & weak. I knew then I couldn't carry on. I was not happy. I just wanted my life back. My mum was always breaking down nightly, I was getting questioned & pulled up on by so many people expressing serious concern, the doctors were harassing me to come in for endless tests as they were so concerned. I just thought of my future, living every day the same. Living a depressed, isolated life in constant pain & weakness. I couldn't face it. I just knew I was killing myself; it hit me like a train. I could suddenly see how disgustingly skinny I was & how unhealthy my OCD was becoming. I knew I had to either man up & get better or carry on & die.
I also came across Ella Crouch's blog 'Eating my way out of this disorder' that night as well which I'm going to be honest; it was the one thing that pushed me over the edge to get better. What she had gone through was exactly the same as me & I knew I wanted to get better in the same way with proper healthy eating & exercise. I saw how amazingly strong she was & how well she was doing with her recovery that I thought 'if she has the strength to do it, then so can I'
She looks absolutley amazing & only keeps improving as she gets further in her recovery & I thought I just want to get better like her. She seems so much happier; she's got her life back & I want mine back too!
I knew I didn't want to go down the doctors/counselling route; being a statistic & number on a screen didn't interest me & I knew I wouldn't get better that way. I wanted to get a proper exercise programme to help me build my muscles & strength back up & eat proper, healthy, nutritious food to fuel my body. I wanted to be the new Jodie Marsh!
So I bit the bullet & asked my gym manager Lee Graham to help me out. I trusted him & I told him my problem, asking for his help & guidance on what I should be doing. I never expected him to actually train me as I knew it could risky & damaging for him but amazingly he did & we designed a programme for me. I literally owe him so much for helping me as I'd have been clueless without his assistance & courage. He believed in me so I found I could believe in myself too.
I also sat with my mum & wrote out a proper eating plan; with some pointers from Lee on what things I should be eating to best fuel & build my body back up.
So that's where I am now! Beginning this journey to recovery.
Getting not only my body back; but my life :)

Love