Week #4

7th -14th May

Week 4 (1 month)

Omg I've hit the 1 month mark! I never thought I'd manage this far, after all the stress the previous weeks & wanting to give up the fact I've actually made it a whole month is amazing for me. Couldn't be more proud of myself!

This week I've had the usual stress of thinking I'm over indulging/eating too much etc but I'm getting better at ignoring those eating disorder thoughts now so it's slowly getting much easier.

The one main thing this week that's changed has been my appitite. Oh my days it's come back in full force. I'm constantly hungry all the time, no joke. I know it's just my body panicing & wanting lots of food incase I start to starve it again so I'm just going to have to get used to it for a while until it settles down. I have increased my calorie intake by adding some snacks & protien shakes during the day to keep my hunger at bay but I'm making sure not to just binge for the sake of it. I'm making sure to fuel myself with healthy, decent quality, nutritious foods to best keep my body running. I'm loving how much more energy I have now. It's the little things like being able to run up the stairs again or being able to walk around the shops with my mum without passing out from lack of energy. I'm also starting to be able to sit on a chair without the need for a padded cushion to stop my ass bones sticking out & hurting! I think this means my bum is slowlystarting to grow, so fingers crossed!! Things like this other people take for granted. Next time you sit on a chair savouir the moment of not needing an embarassing little cushion to sit on like an old woman! When I can bin it, that will be a good day.

When me & my PT were having a chat after our session he mentioned he liked 'Quark' It's a cheese thathas a very high protien content; similar to cottage cheese. He said to tryit so I sent my mum off to find me some. After she spend hours in our sainsburys looking & having to get assistance (oh dear haha) she found some. I tried some on a spoon first; it tastes & lookes just like greek yoghurt. I now add it to my omlettes & sauces to up my protien levels to help build my muscles.

I also had a lush afternoon out with my boyfriend going shopping & to the cinema. We went to go see 'Bad Neighbours' but for some reason I said 'The other women' when buying the tickets so we ended up seeing that film instead. Stupid me! It was such a good film though so I wasn't disappointed. My boyfriend bought a cornetto to eat in the cinema & he held it out & offered me a lick. Normally I would have recoiled in horror & refused but I thought 'Fuck it' & licked it before I had time to think. We both just sort of looked at each other in surprise as it's the first time I've had ice cream in 2+ years & neitheer of us were expecting me to actually lick it. He just gave me a high 5 & we carried on watching the film. It might seem so small to everyone else, it's only a little lick of ice cream after all but to me it's a massive step & I was on a high for ages after! My biggest achievement this week.

Exersice this week has been going from strength from strength, literally! I've increased all my weights in all my workouts & I'm now able to had extra sets & supersets as my stregth has increased so much. Lee is over the moon at my progress, considering it's only been a month after all! I've also gained a bit more weight; which is a little scary as I'm now also able to see I'm also gaining inches as well. This was my biggest fear was seeing actual size gain in the mirror. It's only little but to someone with eating disorder thougths then any size gain, even mm gain is a massive stress. My worst feature for me is my legs & my happiness was relient on the gap between my thighs. Sad & pathetic I know but I constantly check it & the size of my thighs. So this week when I can see the gap slightly decreasing was a sickening moment but I thought to myself 'Grow up Steph, does your life depend on a gap between your thighs? No. Does it make you any better? No. Does Beyonce have a thigh gap? NO!' I'd still like slim, toned legs but to get my ass back then I need to lose the thigh gap & if my choice is either a curvy, toned ass Vs skinny, boney, noodle legs with a gap then it's no contest! Bring back the ass!!

My arms & especially my shoulders are starting to really noticably gain muscle as well so hopefully in the next few weeks or month I'll actually have some decent littlebiceps! :)

So this week has been a massive success & I couldn't be more proud of myself for getting this far. It might only be a little mile stone but for me it's massive.

From now on I'm only going to do either fortnight or monthy update posts.

Week 4 achievements:

• Trying quark
• Having my first try of ice cream in years!
• Increasing all my weights in the gym
• Gaining some muscle weight
• Starting to see my ass return & my arms/shoulders gain in size #Gains
• Having so much more energy during the day to go out & actually enjoy myself

Month 2 goals

•  Start my new programe with Lee (hypertrophy)
• See my ass grow a bit more
• Start to accept my self worth doesn't revolve around my thigh gap
• Try & at least think about adding in some proper carbs like sweet potato for muscle strength
• Smile more & compare myself less to others. Be happy with my own body
• Increase my shoulder press weight (weakest area)

Love