Don't be afraid to gain!

Don't be afraid to gain!

One of the main fears I had about getting better & eating again was obviously the weight gain. I was so foucused on wanting to loose weight before & for the past 2+ years I had been used to seeing the scales going down, so the thought of having them go up was absolutely terrifying! I'm sure most women will agree with me the fear of the scales. I thought weight gain was going to equal fat gain & that was the last thing I wanted. I needed to become comfortable with seeing those numbers going up & be comfortable with it. I know I needed to gain weight to bring my healthy back & I didn't want any eating disorder thoughts of 'weight gain = BAD' stopping my progress & making me relapse.

Now firstly anyone who has had an eating disorder & has been basically 'starving' their body needs to know that when you first start eating again you will not gain any weight, or barely any. All the food you eat will go straight to your organs as they have been basically eating themselves for however long, so they will be using up every little bit of food/energy you give them to help run your body.

For the first couple of weeks of eating again I found I only gained maybe a kg. I was so confused by this as I felt like I was eating enough food for a king! I kept waiting to wake up one moring & have ballooned several stone! I now know that all the food I was eating was fueling my poor starving organs as they had been running on empty for years & were burning through everything I gave them.

However the next week or so I started to see a more steady rise in weight as I slowly increased my calorie intake by adding a few snacks & protien shakes to fuel my muscles. The weight gain may be slow but it's constant & everytime I stood on the scales it made me feel sick to see the increase every time. I was so used to getting on & seeing the line go down, but now it was just going up & up. I felt so fat & disgusting, like I could see myself ballooning even though I know I was being stupid & it was only the horrible eating disorder thoughts trying to drag me back down. But I stayed strong & tried to think of ways not to fear the scales going up. I tried to think of every kg gain as a happy point.

So the more weight I gain; the more happy points I earn!

I also tried to think of a list of all the other things I'm gaining as I gain weight. For anyone else struggling with something similar I really suggest you make your own list as I found it helped me so much!

Here's some of my list for anyone curious:

1. Happines
2. Positivety as I feel I can now take on the world with my new energy! I am invinsible
3. Confidence as I no longer look like an ill skeleton; but I can now see my little muscles beginning to grow!
4. Days out as I no longer feel stressed & wanting to remove myself from all food scenarios. I can go out for the day with my mum or the cinema with my boyfriend or a girly catch up over coffee with friends without having my mind constantly on food/calories. Being able to sit & be content as I'm not starving & feeling twitchy anymore.
5. I'll be able to go on holiday again as I no longer feel the horrible independance on the gym & am maybe able to eat out (unknown calories etc)
6. Simple things like having the energy now to run up the stairs or walk around shops without feeling like I'm going to fall apart from lack of energy.
7. Being able to sit on a chair! Simple bliss! It's no longer so horribly uncomfortable from my ass bones sticking out.
8. Strength to lift weights in the gym. There is no better beast feeling than lifting a new PB & seeing my tiny, none existant muscles beginning to appear.
9. Being able to concentrate for the first time in ages. I can now carry on with my college course & be able to put all my effort into it again as my mind isn't so clouded by eating disorder thoughts.
10. Being able to wear actual ladies clothes rather than childrens! 

So for anyone struggling with seeing that dreaded gain; DO NOT PANIC!

Keep gaining those happy points & smile :)

 

Love