Week #2

23rd - 30th April

Week 2

Week 2 done!

I  have found this week so much harder than the first one. I think I was so excited & on a high last week that I sort of floated through in a dream. It didn't seem real. But now this second week it's hit me more & I'm actually realising how hard this is going to be. I was so confident in week 1 but I've had a few moments this week when I've lost all motivation & really struggled. But I'm here, starting week 3 & I'm not about to give up now!

Food side I've really struggled with. A few times when I've felt so overly full; (my stomach is still so small that I get full very easily); I've paniced that I'm over eating & gone back to the counting calories again in my head. Disappointingly I've thought I just want to give up & crossing my mind to cut down on food the next day to compensate but I have stayed strong! I normally only get these thoughts when I'm in bed on a night & my mind runs wild; but by the morning & I've had a nights rest to calm down I'm fine. Ready to start a new day with happy, positive thoughts!

 

I think one of the reasons why I've been so stressed is because I've felt so much more pressure this week. Mainily off a few people who I wont name as it's unfair & not their fault but it's still really affected me. I found that I'm being rushed to quickly to be 'back to normal' again; it's only week 2 after all & I'm still finding it so hard with such a long way to go. It will take me probably years to fully recover so expecting me to be back to normal & see changes after only 7 days is insane. It makes me feel guilty that you can't see any physical or proper mental change yet; I feel like I'm not trying hard enough even though I know I'm putting my everything into this.

However the exersice part is more postive. I've found even after just a week I have been upping some of the weights in my programme. Meaning I'm actually gaining strength with I'm so happy with!! Finally! Especially on my upper body workouts; I am over the moon that I'm gaining there as my arms are my weakest & worst point as they have no muscle mass there at all. So onwards & upwards!

I also felt brave enough to try another new food this week. This time it was a real fear food; or I should say drink as I always avoided liquid calories before. I thought I'd try a Vita Coco drink as I know the electrolytes are supposed to be good for after workouts. It was actually really nice; not what I was expecting though. Another thing to tick off my list :)

A few people like my mum & boyfriend have said I'm starting to look really well, not so tired & I have actual colour/life in my face again. So I know that not many 'gains' will be seen for a while but the fact that I'm looking healthier already is a real boost.

So bring on week 3! Hopefully I'll be able to control these low points better.

 

Week 2 achievements

• Tried a new fear food (Liquid calories)
• Upped my weights in my programme
• A few days felt confident enough to up my calories with a snack 

Week 3 goals

• Try some more new foods
• Add some more exercises to my programme with Lee
• Up the weights even more!
• Not panic as much

Love

Week #1

16th - 23rd April Week 1

Well I have made it through my first week! It went suprisingly okay considering my whole life was getting flipped upside down.

On the first few days I found it hard not to do my usual constantly counting up calories to the exact amount in my head & panic when I didn't know the exact amount & think I'm over eating but now that I'm at the end of the week I feel now I'm slightly more relaxed about it & not as regiment. I can just tally up a 'rough' amount in my head, which means I'm still doing it but hopefully as the weeks progress & I gain the confidence I'll be able to do this less & less. Then finally stop all together!

The food side I knew would be easier than the exercise part. Before I was only eating one small meal at the end of the day; which even then I was only 'allowed' if I did my 1hr 20 minutes of cardio that morning. So my first challenge was to make sure I started to have 3 regular meals throughout the day. Doesn't matter how small or whatever, just get myself used to having 3 meals again & fueling myself throughout the day. A couple of times I found myself a bit bloated & over full; but I completely expected that as my body was getting used to actually having food & re adjusting to not starving. It was nothing overly uncomfortable & went within a few hours so I just had to grit & bear it.

I find now that I'm getting regular food I'm so much more relaxed in my head as well. Like before I would be sat constantly worrying about how many calories I was consuming, how many minutes I had left before I was 'allowed' to eat, how I could burn off those calories, how I could get out of all situations that may have the possibility of having food involved (even tv adverts!) etc. I was always so fidgety, couldn't concentrate & oh my god the grumpy moods I had! I was a nightmare to be around. My poor boyfriend had a lot to deal with! Now I feel so much more alert & awake; like a fog in my head has been lifted. I'm much more positive & happy now in general. I even tried some new foods this week. I felt comfortable enough to try a banana with my yogurt & some home made risotto. Before I would have avoided the banana at all costs due to the high carb & sugar content; the thought of them made me shudder but I thought I'd try mashing it with some cinimon & adding it into some fat free greek yoghurt to begin with so I wasn't so over welmed. And oh my god it was so good so I've been having this as a regular breakfast now. I'd also have avoided the risotto as it's carbs again but it was a home made simple risotto recipe with lots of veg so I thought I'd be brave & try it. Mouthgasm is the only word for it. So I'm so proud of myself for being brave & trying them; especially in the first week as well!

However the exercise side I knew would be harder & not as easy as the food. Letting go of my OCD daily 1hr 20 minutes of hard cardio would be a horrible struggle. But I think I had pushed my body & mind so far with it that I was so ready for a change. I hated doing the cardio but I was forcing myself to do it due to my OCD with it. But when I spoke to Lee about my new programme I was so excited to get started on the weights; I knew I needed to give up my cardio for my health & sanity. I still love cario like running; especially outdoors in the fresh air. Thats where I feel in my element so hopefully when I begin to gain my strength back then I can start to add some running back into my programme. Maybe in time for summer; as I'd love to be able to go on runs down the old railway lines in the sun. Perfection. Something to aim for!

But I absolutley love doing the weights. Why I'd taken so long to try them is beyond me! Girls if you don't lift, then start now! Trust me the feeling of actual good muscle burn & that strong/proud feeling when you increase the weight & complete that last rep! Such an addictive feeling. I now leave the gym feeling like a beast! Rather than crawling out almost in tears at how tired, dead & ill I was. I can't wait to build my strength up again & actually have some guns!

Another think I knew I'd have to bite the bullet & do was start listening to my body & have rest days. Due to my OCD I 'had' to go to the gym everyday. No matter what. If I didn't I'd be in tears as I felt so sick & stressed. But I know for my muscles to recover & grow then I'd have to let them rest.

So on the sunday when I got up I could feel all my muscles ached so I knew I should have a well deserved rest day. I felt so nervous about it on the morning as it was my first ever rest day in like 2 years. But by lunchtime I had relaxed a lot. I went out to the garden centre with my mum & I think that helped me as it was the act of just leaving the house/getting fresh air & I didn't feel so lazy & inactive. My body definatley thanked me for it though so it was worth it. Another thing I'm so proud of!

It's been a struggle having to switch from a 'losing' mentality to a 'gaining' one but I'll get there! Bring on the gains!

I have so much more energy, so much more motivation & so much more positivity. So week one is an amazing success!

Roll on Week 2! :)

I hope I can carry on being this strong & brave.

Week 1 achievements:

• Trying banana & risotto
• Being comfortable enough to have a rest day
• Completing my first upper body workout!

 Week 2 goals:

• Stick to having 3 regular meals a day
• Try a new food
• Maintain the weights in my workouts but try to increase on some 

Love

My Story...

Since this is my first 'Recovery' post I thought it best to start at the beginning & explain a bit about my journey so far.

I've always struggled with my appearance, especially my figure. Growing up I was always the tall & slim one. I did activities every night of the week; like gymnastics, horse riding, dancing, net ball etc so I was always so fit & healthy. I ate what I wanted, but I never had a 'bad' diet though. My mum would make healthy meals for us but if I wanted a chocolate bar or packet of crisps then I would have one without a second thought. My mums friends would comment all the time on how beautiful my figure was, how athletic & fit I was.

But when I was in year 8 at school I obviously hit the dreaded puberty stage. I got the standard spots & greasy hair, but I also got the curves. Going from someone who was always slim & athletic to being very curvy with hips, big thighs, bum & boobs was so surreal & uncomfortable for me. I hated it. No matter how many times people said I had the perfect curvy figure I just couldn't see it & I was desperately unhappy with how I looked. When you're a teenager with all the pressure of these perfect celebrity figures forced down our throats at every opportunity, boys comments & other girls/friends going on 'diets'; you become so much more aware of your figure & appearance but not in a good way.

I did all the typical 'teenage diets' of telling everyone you're on a diet of salad but it only lasting a day or 2 before you caved. Nothing ever serious. So even though I was unhappy with my figure I was to lazy to do anything about it; but because I was still doing activities most nights I burnt through the junk food I ate so calories were never really a problem for me at that point.

However when I quit gymnastics & started going out with my friends more then I stopped all forms of exercise/activities so my junk food caught up with me as I was no longer burning it off. I never gained a lot of weight but I had a lots of fat. By this I do not mean I was fat, full stop. I mean my muscle to fat ratio was very off. I lost all my muscle & it got replaced by fat. So even though I looked around the same size in clothes, without I had lots of cellulite & I wobbled. It wasn't nice & I remember many nights crying about my figure. But I never knew how to go about changing it, I lacked the motivation. I would wear leggings & clothes that covered everything up in the summer because I was to self conscious to wear shorts/skirts etc. I hated it, I'd look at other girls in actual summer clothes & think I wish I was confident like them to be able to wear what I want & look good.

So after Christmas in 2012 I decided I was going to actually make a change. I had a boyfriend at the time who was at the gym almost every night so I would go up there to see him. I thought while I'm up there waiting for him to finish then I might as well go in the gym & do a work out to kill the time. I also started eating healthier, cutting out junk & generally making healthier food choices. I was doing it the correct healthy way, but when I started seeing results it got addictive. I became obsessed with seeing the weight drop off & would look for the fastest way to get those results. So I slowly cut down on everything I was eating until it was as low as 500 or less calories at the end & did endless cardio for hours. I got thinner & thinner but because in my head I was still 'eating', just very healthy food (basically only lettuce & broccoli) & exercising I thought what I was doing was still classed as 'healthy'. I couldn't see my OCD with weighing food, doing exactly 1hr 20minutes cardio every day & only eating salad foods was very unhealthy.

When people commented on my size or expressed concern I got angry because in my head I couldn't see a problem & I would become even more obsessed. I wouldn't eat anything I hadn't weighed or had calorie counted exactly, I couldn't think straight until I'd done my 1hr 20 minutes exactly of cardio. It was stealing my life away. I'd avoid all situations that might evolve food, like family meals/days out etc. I basically shut myself in my room & only left to go to the gym on a morning then come back & sleep as I had no energy to do anything else. I was killing myself but I had become so obsessed I didn't know how to get myself out of the endless loop.
I had made 'heathy' into 'unhealthy'

Then one saturday I was out at the cinema with my boyfriend & we took a random selfie while we were waiting for the film to start; being silly. But when I looked at it I was literally floored at how sick & like dead I looked. I was the spitting image of an old woman, with no colour or life in her face. My eyes were just black & lifeless. I just wanted to cry there & then but that started me off thinking; yeah I need to make some change here. Then that night I just hit rock bottom. I had never felt so dead in my life; I literally just wanted to die as I had never felt so helpless, depressed & weak. I knew then I couldn't carry on. I was not happy. I just wanted my life back. My mum was always breaking down nightly, I was getting questioned & pulled up on by so many people expressing serious concern, the doctors were harassing me to come in for endless tests as they were so concerned. I just thought of my future, living every day the same. Living a depressed, isolated life in constant pain & weakness. I couldn't face it. I just knew I was killing myself; it hit me like a train. I could suddenly see how disgustingly skinny I was & how unhealthy my OCD was becoming. I knew I had to either man up & get better or carry on & die.
I also came across Ella Crouch's blog 'Eating my way out of this disorder' that night as well which I'm going to be honest; it was the one thing that pushed me over the edge to get better. What she had gone through was exactly the same as me & I knew I wanted to get better in the same way with proper healthy eating & exercise. I saw how amazingly strong she was & how well she was doing with her recovery that I thought 'if she has the strength to do it, then so can I'
She looks absolutley amazing & only keeps improving as she gets further in her recovery & I thought I just want to get better like her. She seems so much happier; she's got her life back & I want mine back too!
I knew I didn't want to go down the doctors/counselling route; being a statistic & number on a screen didn't interest me & I knew I wouldn't get better that way. I wanted to get a proper exercise programme to help me build my muscles & strength back up & eat proper, healthy, nutritious food to fuel my body. I wanted to be the new Jodie Marsh!
So I bit the bullet & asked my gym manager Lee Graham to help me out. I trusted him & I told him my problem, asking for his help & guidance on what I should be doing. I never expected him to actually train me as I knew it could risky & damaging for him but amazingly he did & we designed a programme for me. I literally owe him so much for helping me as I'd have been clueless without his assistance & courage. He believed in me so I found I could believe in myself too.
I also sat with my mum & wrote out a proper eating plan; with some pointers from Lee on what things I should be eating to best fuel & build my body back up.
So that's where I am now! Beginning this journey to recovery.
Getting not only my body back; but my life :)

Love