Month #2

 

Month 2

14th May to 18th June

So I've reached the end of my 2nd month. Wow time has literally flown by. I can't believe I've been in recovery for 2 whole months, I never thought that would be possible. Looking back at how I was 8 weeks ago, or even 4 weeks ago, how much I've changed & progressed. It's amazing but in a terrifying way. Watching my body change before my eyes, slowly seeing my life coming back together.

Sometimes I wake up & I'm so happy with the way I'm progressing, growing my curves back. I feel confident & full of life. But then others I go back to being in that dark place again & all I can think of is restricting, getting back to my lowest weight. Wanting to hide away & starve myself again as the voices in my head are so loud. I've had a fair few breakdowns to my mum & boyfriend about this. But every time they know exactly what to say & give me the much needed kick up the ass to realise how far I've come & how much better I am now. I don't want to go back to being ill & dead behind my eyes again. I want my life back.

I'm finding it hard to see my body getting bigger & accepting I'm never going to be a skinny minnie. That's not my natural shape. I'm naturally curvy & muscley, so I'm fighting a losing battle to stay skinny. I need to accept I can't be skinny without being unhealthy. I can't have both. So I chose health. There is nothing wrong at all with my natural body shape at all, I know it's only my ED that's telling me it's wrong. So I'm slowly learning to embrace my curves & love them. It's going to take me a LONG time & I probably never will love them completely; but as long as I accept them & feel comfortable then that's good enough for me.

It's hard seeing my bones disappear, not having visible ribs or spine anymore. Not having such a big thigh gap, not being able to wrap my thumb & pinky finger around my bicep anymore. They were like a security blanket. I'm no longer the skinniest in the room; it feels like I've lost my identity. For so long I was 'Steph, the one with the eating disorder'. Now I'm just Steph. I feel like I've lost my purpose. But I'm finding a new purpose. To be fit & healthy, to be able to enjoy my life without worry. To live completely ED free. That's my new aim, not to be the skinniest girl in a room but be the healthiest & happiest.

Food wise I'm still sticking to my 3 meals a day. That's getting a lot easier to keep up, it's now feeling comfortable eating regularly again. I've also tried a couple of new foods which I challenged myself with. On a couple of my worst days, where all I wanted to do was restrict & my head was screaming at me to starve, I thought fuck you I'm not going to starve myself; I'm going to do the opposite & treat myself to whatever I fancy. I fancied some spaghetti hoops, so I went out & bought some & had them for my lunch. I hadn't had them in years & I was literally sweating while eating them but I did it! And I enjoyed every mouthful. Did I feel like crap after? Yes, but I felt so good for fighting my ED urges. Learning that moderating is key to being healthy. Yes spaghetti hoops aren't the most nutritious, but who cares. They were damn tastey so win. On another bad day I did the same, I was craving good old baked beans for a couple of days so I thought why the hell not. Am I going to starve myself? No, I'll treat myself instead. It took me over an hour to buy them but I eventually blocked my head out & got them. Omg it was so worth it, I havn't had beans since pre ED & they were always a fav. Can't believe I've missed them for all these years. I also tried some butternut squash & corn on the cob in some M&S vegetable skewers, I've avoided them as for some reason they made me think of carbs. I also craved some rice pudding so had some as a night snack mixed with some fruit & pb2 powder. Oh heaven.

Some days are harder than others with food but I'm slowly getting used to seeing food as fuel, that it's no the enemy.

The exersice side is going amazingly. I've switched my programme with my PT from strength to hypotrophy to build lean muscle. Every session I'm upping my weights & I'm PR'ing on so many things now. It's such a boost to keep upping the weights, reps/sets & adding drop sets/supersets etc to keep the programme developing. I can see such a big improvement in my muscles, seeing them grow & tone. Sometimes my head says they're fat but I block it out.

I've upped my cardio to 20 mins now; 10 warm up & 10 cool down. I'm very contious not to up it anymore than that as I know it will stop my progress & not benefit me in my goals. Sometimes I have to fight with my ED side wanting to up it & get back to doing over an hour but I always make sure I don't. Mainly out of bordem as I get bored very quickly. How I managed to last sometimes 2 hours + every day is beyond me! Now I make sure to do only 20 mins but keep it fairly high intensity now rather than steady state. Like HIIT on the treadmill or with circuits. So much more benefitial for me & I actually enjoy it.

 

So roll on month 3 :)

New challenges & keeping my progress up. I will not give up. My life is worth fighting for. It might take me a while but I will get there; I will be happy & healthy again. Not just for me; but for my family & friends. They've been through enough with me & I hate seeing them worry & get upset. It's not fair so I will not let them down. I want them to enjoy my company ratehr than dread it.

Here's to another positive month! :D

Progress photo:
Left at my lowest weight
Right now

 

 

Love

Why I exercise? During E.D & in Recovery...

While reading a fitness magazine I came across an article about a Personal Trainer who got his clients to write down a list of how they felt before, during, after their workout & why they actually workout in general. I thought this would be an interesting & fun thing to try myself; but do it about my workout routine during my eating disorder & about my new workout routine now I'm recovering.

I found it amazing to actually see how unhealthy my whole mindset was to exercise before as I've never sat & properly thought about the differences between now & then. So to see it written down & to compare them was a real eye opener! 

Exercise During E.D
Before

• Dreading the workout
• Tired
• No energy
• Aching body

During

• Hating every minute
• Entire body hurts from lack of muscle/no energy
• Forcing myself to carry on as my OCD for doing 1hr 20 m every day.
• Wanting to punish myself as I was 'fat, disgusting, unworthy' etc
• Pure boredom
• Looking at other gym people & feeling jealous that they were enjoying themselves/looked better & healthier & were lifting weights when I was stuck on a treadmill for hours

After

• Relief the workout is over
• Then dread as I knew I'd have to repeat all over again the next day
• Numbness
• Feeling sick at the thought of having to carry on doing that 1hr 20m every day for the rest of my life.
• Wishing I could get out of my rut/routine
• Pure pain as my body literally wasting away under me

Why

• I felt I 'needed/had' too
• Punishment to myself
• Couldn't eat if I hadn't done my 1hr 20m every morning
• Thought it was part of my life
• I'd get fat if I didn't go
• To become thinner

Recovering from E.D
Before

• So mucgh energy
• Can't wait to start
• Actually wanting to go rather than feeling I 'have' too

During

• Love the strong feeling of lifting weights
• Having good exercise burn rather than the no energy ache before
• Enjoying every minute rather than being bored & hating it
• Seeing my muscles tensed in the mirror as I do exercises & feeling proud of them rather than seeing them as 'bulky'

After

• On a good workout high/pumped!
• Feeling strong & healthy
• Looking forward to my next workout
• Feeling my muscles fatiuged in a good way rather than wasting themselves away
• Ready to take on my day!

Why

• To feel strong & healthy
• To grow lean muscle & look toned
• To actually look after my body & keep it in the best condition rather than destroying it
• So I can treat myself to lots of unhealthy, naughty treats without feeling guilty! haha
• Hitting PRs & goals
• Having something to aim for with different routines/goals rather than having the same boring routine every single day

Love

Week #4

7th -14th May

Week 4 (1 month)

Omg I've hit the 1 month mark! I never thought I'd manage this far, after all the stress the previous weeks & wanting to give up the fact I've actually made it a whole month is amazing for me. Couldn't be more proud of myself!

This week I've had the usual stress of thinking I'm over indulging/eating too much etc but I'm getting better at ignoring those eating disorder thoughts now so it's slowly getting much easier.

The one main thing this week that's changed has been my appitite. Oh my days it's come back in full force. I'm constantly hungry all the time, no joke. I know it's just my body panicing & wanting lots of food incase I start to starve it again so I'm just going to have to get used to it for a while until it settles down. I have increased my calorie intake by adding some snacks & protien shakes during the day to keep my hunger at bay but I'm making sure not to just binge for the sake of it. I'm making sure to fuel myself with healthy, decent quality, nutritious foods to best keep my body running. I'm loving how much more energy I have now. It's the little things like being able to run up the stairs again or being able to walk around the shops with my mum without passing out from lack of energy. I'm also starting to be able to sit on a chair without the need for a padded cushion to stop my ass bones sticking out & hurting! I think this means my bum is slowlystarting to grow, so fingers crossed!! Things like this other people take for granted. Next time you sit on a chair savouir the moment of not needing an embarassing little cushion to sit on like an old woman! When I can bin it, that will be a good day.

When me & my PT were having a chat after our session he mentioned he liked 'Quark' It's a cheese thathas a very high protien content; similar to cottage cheese. He said to tryit so I sent my mum off to find me some. After she spend hours in our sainsburys looking & having to get assistance (oh dear haha) she found some. I tried some on a spoon first; it tastes & lookes just like greek yoghurt. I now add it to my omlettes & sauces to up my protien levels to help build my muscles.

I also had a lush afternoon out with my boyfriend going shopping & to the cinema. We went to go see 'Bad Neighbours' but for some reason I said 'The other women' when buying the tickets so we ended up seeing that film instead. Stupid me! It was such a good film though so I wasn't disappointed. My boyfriend bought a cornetto to eat in the cinema & he held it out & offered me a lick. Normally I would have recoiled in horror & refused but I thought 'Fuck it' & licked it before I had time to think. We both just sort of looked at each other in surprise as it's the first time I've had ice cream in 2+ years & neitheer of us were expecting me to actually lick it. He just gave me a high 5 & we carried on watching the film. It might seem so small to everyone else, it's only a little lick of ice cream after all but to me it's a massive step & I was on a high for ages after! My biggest achievement this week.

Exersice this week has been going from strength from strength, literally! I've increased all my weights in all my workouts & I'm now able to had extra sets & supersets as my stregth has increased so much. Lee is over the moon at my progress, considering it's only been a month after all! I've also gained a bit more weight; which is a little scary as I'm now also able to see I'm also gaining inches as well. This was my biggest fear was seeing actual size gain in the mirror. It's only little but to someone with eating disorder thougths then any size gain, even mm gain is a massive stress. My worst feature for me is my legs & my happiness was relient on the gap between my thighs. Sad & pathetic I know but I constantly check it & the size of my thighs. So this week when I can see the gap slightly decreasing was a sickening moment but I thought to myself 'Grow up Steph, does your life depend on a gap between your thighs? No. Does it make you any better? No. Does Beyonce have a thigh gap? NO!' I'd still like slim, toned legs but to get my ass back then I need to lose the thigh gap & if my choice is either a curvy, toned ass Vs skinny, boney, noodle legs with a gap then it's no contest! Bring back the ass!!

My arms & especially my shoulders are starting to really noticably gain muscle as well so hopefully in the next few weeks or month I'll actually have some decent littlebiceps! :)

So this week has been a massive success & I couldn't be more proud of myself for getting this far. It might only be a little mile stone but for me it's massive.

From now on I'm only going to do either fortnight or monthy update posts.

Week 4 achievements:

• Trying quark
• Having my first try of ice cream in years!
• Increasing all my weights in the gym
• Gaining some muscle weight
• Starting to see my ass return & my arms/shoulders gain in size #Gains
• Having so much more energy during the day to go out & actually enjoy myself

Month 2 goals

•  Start my new programe with Lee (hypertrophy)
• See my ass grow a bit more
• Start to accept my self worth doesn't revolve around my thigh gap
• Try & at least think about adding in some proper carbs like sweet potato for muscle strength
• Smile more & compare myself less to others. Be happy with my own body
• Increase my shoulder press weight (weakest area)

Love